Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
