Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
