i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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