remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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