Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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