Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
