for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I believe in your delicious
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
