i'm signing you up for texting rehab
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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