I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
