I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
