the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
