He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It's official drugs can't kill me
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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