he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
