Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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