I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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