i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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