Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She's the barista slut.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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