I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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