A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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