And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
