that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
