The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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