It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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