I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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