I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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