im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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