I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
