I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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