BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
