I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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