Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
