oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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