a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
