I skipped work to stalk him.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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