Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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