can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
