4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
