david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
