I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
