You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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