i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
