i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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