That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
