Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
