watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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