3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I got chris browned last night
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
