; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
