dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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