I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
