three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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