Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
