I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
