There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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