this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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