If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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