I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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