I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
